I think I'll call myself a Magician today

Magical thinking; believing the ritual causes the quabbalism, rather than being its arrangement.

The existence of these anomalies; black swan traders, harmonious musicians with minimal music theory knowledge, writers and artists who divinate from a collective unconscious; a seemingly ex nihilo emergence, and the pasticheur chases a ghost of materia into a self-referent oblivion.

The Creative Class is antiphrasis, structured to evade quabbalisms by the anti-creative nature of the profession itself. The gradual shift to short-form everything is the logical conclusion; reduction of attention precedes the elimination of the quabbalism. Mistaking reconstitution for creativity’s genesis; they simply rationalize this as standing on the shoulders of giants. The person who one day decides to go to college for storytelling and makes their life’s work progressive re-inventions in different formats can only perceive the quabbalisms, but not engender them.

Reconstitute and water down great works, subtly alluded to in a flimsy attempt to create a hyperstition of existing among them; pick the most popular, make it into a production. Slap on a signal like “magician” or “shaman.” Or even more ostentatious, “polymath.” Make sure to release on a schedule for engagement, make your art bite-sized.

Reduce, consume, formalize. Call it

Creativity.

Systematize to self-realize.

Through the Looking Glass. Another Reflektor.

The Algorithmic Neo-{ } Machine is a microcosm of samsara; a self-propagating system of continuous, lateral historic substitutions.

Medicalization of spiritualism into a new psychiatry—it’s all just a dialectic deceit. Instead of earnestly examining, they cleverly minimize and substitute dogmas, this time ‘New Agers’ and ‘psychiatry,’ they contort the sphere with all sorts of sophistic circustry to veil preservation of the same epistemic closure, preferring to focus on how x can be defined as an infinite set. They capitalize on collective frustration to gain popularity, then propose a solution just as misleading. Hypocrites, usually. Seeking transcendence, they instead assimilate into yet another lilypad in the same pond, under the guise of a different taxonomy, with new information yet the same understanding. They identify the quabbalism, then squash it.

Schizophrenic antichrists.

6 Mar 2025

To clarify, I don’t have it, but I do know a bit about it. I have a family history of multiple psychotic disorders, but that’s about the extent of my own experience. I don’t go to the shrink, I’m only formally diagnosed with three conditions, and I’m not interested in collecting any more bc I aint no Ash Ketchum. It’s strange that I have so many shared experiences with people who have schizophrenia though, but I firmly believe I do not have it for a few good reasons.

Pathologies overlap. The reason I focus on schizophrenia as opposed to more specific pathologies like schizoaffective, bipolar, MDD, ADHD, or anything tangentially related to psychosis is bc to understand the more niche problems, you need to step back and shed light on the most complicated thread which seems to weave through multitudes of these smaller meridians.

It's all interconnected ofc, but if you want a linear heuristic for practical purposes: 1. get labs done and check up on your physical health 2. then look for psychiatric explanations

Anyways, before u fight me, it can be argued that schizophrenia is a disorder of excessive abstraction and systemization; look at all those 4chan schizo charts, people with right hemisphere damage looking @ the showerhead and seeing all those tiny drops and the geometric abstraction of a drain, but being unable to holistically grasp the showerness of a shower or the running water as a stream.

Schizophrenia is primarily a disturbance of ipseity, which stems from the Latin word “ipse” for “self.” This is the experience of the first-person perspective, of existing as a self-identical subject, inner time-consciousness. We experience this as our own, non-local, self-referential point of origin for phenomenological awareness, directed outwardly. This is the anchor. Now what happens when the boundaries between the unified one-point perspective break down? This is schizophrenia. And what keeps them together in the first place (this is the Binding Problem)? Part of this is hyper-reflexivity—exaggerated self-reflection and ruminative introspection, detachment from one’s own actions. Much of pop spirituality nowadays excessively encourages this exaggeratedness, and it just leads already-solipsistic people deeper into more solipsism. Klaus Conrad called it a “’constant reflexive attention,’ or ‘stepping-back’ from experience.” This description seems eerily similar to that of centerlessness, a somewhat obscure spiritual concept which I’ve talked about in my Gurdjieff post and A. G. Emilsson has written about at length. This dissociation I guess it could be called parallels what happens when you excessively meditate.

The brain is like an intermediary transmuter of consciousness into reality. In this way it is a tripartite process; matter and consciousness working together to Create, and vice versa. One of the many problems with solipsism is that consciousness itself doesn’t create everything else, it is the mediator, the corpus collosum as Ian McGilchrist describes it.

Here’s a summary of John Nash’s dilemma:

There’s a gap between communication; 2 prisoners; trying to reach the transcendent state by removing all barriers following all the synchronicities leads u back to the same place, we gotta traverse it with a smoothing operator, concrescence of suffering and striving upwards allows us to get closer to t=inf, where the help becomes the identity operator, theosis.

I think the way to ‘smooth out’ is to be less isolated, but more separate, if that makes sense. More connected to the people around you, more separated from the all-connectedness. The reason we were all so happy as kids was bc we were connected to each other as a proxy to all-connectedness, we lose it as adults, then ppl go schizophrenic trying to find that connectedness directly to the cosmos, bypassing interfacing with interpersonal relationships.

Too many boundaries dissolved leads to further isolation, paradoxically.

Nash’s method to curing his schizophrenia:

- Ask delusions to justify themselves

- Compartmentalize and allocate these to a register of the brain, unused (essentially creating a temp file system)

- Rationalizing the delusions as a “hopeless waste of intellectual effort (kind of what I am doing right now)

- Created his own exercises of linguistics and wordplay

And most importantly… ESCAPE THE ZERO-SUM GAME.

Essentially, he was trying to process Insight—the ability to “trick” and enter into a dialectic with his delusions. Depressives lack the ability to retrieve this. Schizos can’t sort through this. What happens is sometimes you’ll see a massive shift in polarity between the two extreme states. This is abaissement du niveu mental. As soon as I think I’ve derived something novel, turns out Fucking Jung has an answer for it (thankfully actually)!

There are several definitions for this, but in essence, every emotional state produces a relaxing of psychical constraints in two directions; a narrowing, then a corresponding strengthening of the unconscious (Synchronicity, An Acausal Connecting Principle). The French definition is literally reduction of mental level. But it’s more like a reduced state of attention, leading to loosening restraints, which allow archetypical unconscious symbols to emerge. It is spontaneous, even when supposedly intentionally directed towards active imagination.

Sometimes I stumble upon people giving advice on how to be a better writer/artist/musician/whatever ur artistic medium is. It’s all very systematic, but ultimately it won’t help. It should spring up from inside like a fountain; the creative urge cannot be controlled. It’s ejaculation onto a canvas, the partner is a mere assistant in the act, the ejaculation comes from within. U are beseiged by uncontrollable imagery that must be released. Everything is orgone. Well how do I allow this to happen? This is abaissement du niveu.

Other side of the coin:

“Abaissement du niveau mental can be the result of physical and mental fatigue, bodily illness, violent emotions, and shock, of which the last has a particularly deleterious effect on one’s self-assurance. The abaissement always has a restrictive influence on the personality as a whole. It reduces one’s self-confidence and the spirit of enterprise, and, as a result of increasing egocentricity, narrows the mental horizon [“Concerning Rebirth,” CW 9i, pars. 213f.]”

And this is why it should stay relegated to a transitory state, rather than a constant mode of being. When it is the latter, u get the schizophrenic.

In schizophrenia, you also see abnormal tacit-focal structure (salience-pattern) and aberrant theta wave firings in the entorhinal cortex, which affects spacio-temporal processing. Everything is salient, nothing has meaning. Motion rendered non-existent with all-encompassing salience.

A: Ok that’s enough for now I need to fix my sleep schedule

A: psychotic depression is a subtype of MDD but not a necessary condition, I think depression is a choice in that it’s the result of deciding, whether consciously or unconsciously, to retract one’s awareness and give up their sense of agency by placing it on something external. This is of course after ruling out metabolic issues

A: I think the opposite is better actually, learning to rely less on your eyes and more on your other senses. I think this is why congenitally blind people are shielded from schizophrenia. Like I said, part of schizophrenia is hyper-reflexivity, too much awareness

A: so maybe focusing less on the visual, more on figuring out how to orient oneself in space-time, focusing on somatic practice helps as well but ultimately one has to reconcile the split 2 worlds, not going all-in on one or the other. I think you have to have a good quality community for this, gardening/painting/making music/anything where you’re using your hands really and engaging all the senses seems to be good habits to incorporate in the meantime tho

A: lmfaoooo dopaminergic dopaminergic

A: Fuck something got cut off, enlarged ventricles in the schizophrenic brain are probably caused by certain antipsychotics administered, not the condition itself

A: My body’s started to reject the NAC, I have to stop my qs. I was on 2000mg/day and I started almost getting panic attacks while driving, had to pull over on the highway and do some breathing exercises. After a while to using any substance for the hell of it, I find it always seems to affect my gut and I have to quit. It did make me feel normal and less wired for a while.

Update 5/29/2025: Haven’t been doing much besides not being flakey anymore, eating better and solving my Vitamin D deficiency, fixing sleep schedule somewhat. Ultimately I think the vitamin D thing is what’s brought me back to baseline.

I think every child is born with artistic potential, but few actualize this, and fewer still maintain it. The responsibility of the Parent is to help string up their innate facilities, to foster its growth. Gardens come in different sizes, and the soil is of various quality. Despite this, an overgrowth of weeds still proves a burdensome, momentous task to fix. The larger the garden, the more fertile the soil, the more strenuous the de-weeding. A person who has spent their entire youth immersed in theatre, art, mastering an instrument, and performing onstage but has these facilities slowly squelched over time, forced to pirouette to the sterile clicking of metal rather than a melody for survival’s sake, she eventually leaves the garden. Where is the caretaker? Not on the premises. The last caretaker neglected the flowers but tilled the soil; it is overrun by weeds. She returns, years later, to locate the roots of the thorny vine that had lodged itself into her ankle, elongated itself throughout her body, and burrowed beneath her skin. It threatens to make its way up to her throat, whispering to her every night, keeping her wide awake. Somehow, uprooting each vine proves more laborious than the time it took to plant the garden in the first place. And they fight back too. Right before one’s ties are cut, it’ll choose an arbitrary limb, and prick her. If only the caretaker hadn’t been so careless, if only the garden were smaller, or there were none in the first place, she laments. She chose to leave the garden, she must now return to scorch the soil.

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Shadow Work Meditation

Schizophrenic Antichrists

I think I'll call myself a Magician today

Plight of the Positivist

The Subjugation of a Ghost [unfinished]

The Daemon

The Headless Rider [Pending: 9/2025]

Alitterate

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